Running to Jesus: early years of faith

I was in my early teens, lying on the top of my two-story bed and looking at the pattern of the wallpaper. I was near falling asleep and started to pray. My prayers those days were pretty similar from time to time. I prayed for some problems and asked God’s help at school. Then I turned around and looked at the wall on the other side. There were stickers of Jesus which I got from Sunday school featuring traditional paintings where Jesus is seen holding the lamb, reaching out to rescue lamb from thorny bush, and the like. When I closed my eyes, I saw Jesus on the clouds and myself running to Him. I would fall at His feet and cry and He would hold and comfort me. This happened pretty often during that period of my life. Looking back, I realize I knew already back then, from my limited knowledge that I can run to Jesus for comfort and understanding. Moreover, I believe He was reaching out to me already with His love, that He saw me where I was and was ready to give me what I am missing. I was experiencing this reality and seeing it with the eyes of my spirit.

Some time later, perhaps around the age of 14 I started to read Bible on my own. One of the most fascinating phrases to me was the one where Jesus promises to be with us every day until end of the age (Math.28,20). I realized that He is the only One who could make a promise like that to me – to be with me always, every day of my life. I was moved to tears. Sometimes at night, I would have fears, mostly of supernatural evil. I called to the name of Jesus during those moments, and He helped. After attending Sunday school for several years, I did not go from about age 12 thinking that I know Bible stories well enough and that I am busy with art school and other activities. Looking back, I do regret that decision. Darkness inside me grew in the meantime. Some kind of being in the presence of God and Christians would have helped. 

 

At the age of 16, however, I reached a breaking point where after an event with missionaries from U.S., I gave my life to Jesus. I publicly declared my wish to follow Him at the event, and at home I prayed the prayer of repentance from the materials they gave. While I have been praying and reading Bible at home the whole time, I realized that if my faith is not in the open in any way, it is not a saving faith. Only after giving my life to Jesus, I experienced change that I could come more into open with my faith and start to associate with other believers. The difference I experienced was also that the grip of fears I had of supernatural evil and death was loosened. I felt that I have passed from death into life. 
After giving my life to Jesus, I started to attend the local Lutheran church. During these high school years, I was active in video studio at the school and produced three films which in some ways address the topics of God and Jesus. It is very difficult for me to watch these films now, as I feel there is so much that could have been done differently and wondering if that was a good idea at all to do it this way. At the same time, I believe that my efforts blessed God’s heart and He was happy about it just as a parent is happy about first drawings of the child - not looking at what is wrong, but seeing beauty and creativity in it. On few occasions, I also performed in public events at the school together with my classmates, singing songs of my own lyrics about God and playing guitar. I continued to read the Bible at home, pray, and occasionally, some older Christians encouraged me, but I did not have a close Christian friend of my age at a time.